Monday, August 14, 2017

Big Changes at the Zeiler Household

It is official!  Gab is now an adult!  Gab recently received her certification to teach, and, this week she will officially enter the work force and move out of our humble abode.  Take control, baby!  The girl that wanted to teach and believes that everyone should have a chance to learn music is about to embark on making her “why” into a reality.  On one hand, Debbie and I are excited and happy for this HUGE milestone, and on the other hand, we are sad as this means Gab is truly leaving our little bubble, to venture forth on her own.  Do not get me wrong: This is all good and the proper way of things.

I remember when I first officially joined the work force; I worked locally and was able to live in my parent’s house.  For a brief time, the five of us were living under the same roof, even though we were clearly at different points in our lives (one brother in college and the other in High School).  It was great…OK, it was not ideal.  Truth was, I had changed A LOT in college and came back a different person, had trouble adjusting to moving back home and found myself unable to fit back into the role.  The nice thing, however, about that first couple of months, aside from hanging with my brothers, was that I had money in my pocket that I had earned, to spend how I wanted to spend it.  Being into music, that was where I spent my money.  After a couple of years, I motivated to move out with a friend.  That was exciting!  Now I was able to stretch my wings and learn to live by my rules.  I did not mind stumbling, making those mistakes and learning from them – that is what life is about, and, sometimes, where the best lessons come from.  I still went back to my parent’s house (frequently, at first) for meals, advise and holidays.  But, in growing up, this was a big move in the right direction, because for the first time in my life (I learned), I was responsible for myself.

Recently, I had this dream, where I went to a school to visit Gab.  It was not the University of Hartford, but a school where she was teaching.  I walked through the school looking for her, up one corridor and down another.  Finally, I rounded a corner and there she was!  She asked if I wanted something to drink, I said yes and headed to where I must have passed a cafeteria, because Gab said, “Not that way, that’s the cafeteria, we can get something to drink in the teacher’s lounge.”  Teacher’s lounge?!?  As a kid, I remember the teacher’s lounge as that forbidden place that no student was ever allowed into.  We walked into a room with a few teachers hanging out.  Ring! That was not the school bell, but my alarm that went off at that point and I woke up.  OMG!  A few days later, I received the call from Gab that she got the job she is taking!  You got this, Gab!
Our baby is no longer taking baby steps.  Our baby is perched upon the dividing point in life of having been cared for, looked after and education provided.  The baby steps taken up to this point have been in preparation for the adult steps ahead.  As author Andy Andrews says, “Remember, the goal is not to raise great kids; it's to raise kids who become great adults.”  The adult steps ahead lead to a wonderful future, a chance to provide the opportunity to help others learn, appreciate and enjoy music.  The adult steps ahead lead to a bright future.  While Debbie and I are sad that this point in our lives came SO fast, we are extremely proud parents and excited to watch (and be a part of) Gab’s next journey.  Go Gab!

Monday, August 7, 2017

Our Baby is Growing Up! (Bec’s New Bed)

This is a picture of my very happy daughter.  You see, for 18.5 years, Rebecca has slept in the same bed.  “I can’t believe I am still in my first bed…I’m 20 years old!” she said excitedly as we awaited the delivery of her adult bed.  Yes, Bec has been in the same bed from the day she graduated from the crib.  Now this was not a racing car nor a character bed, but a lofted bed with drawers, storage underneath and white railings so that she would not fall out of bed.  At age 20, it is time to recognize that our baby is no longer a baby and has, in fact, grown into a young adult.

Many years ago, I remember having the conversation with my brothers about how in our minds we had finally become adults, yet when we stepped back into our parent’s house, or moved back in from college, they treated us like kids.  As a child, I was upset that I was not recognized as an adult.  Now, as an adult, at times, I still treat my children…as children.  I understand my parents now, because there is a tendency to treat our children as we always had.  Sometimes it is a conscientious thought process to remind myself that they are grown up.

Because Bec is a young adults, we have to remind ourselves (though it is hard at times) that she is allowed to make her own decisions, which we are happy to be sounding boards for her (same for Gab).  This year, Bec made the decision to move off campus with her friends.  I remember how excited I was when I moved off-campus my senior year with two friends.  We moved in to the third floor over an abandoned store with no one on the second floor.  We had access to the roof to hang out.  It was as you would expect a college room to be, it was a great place to hang out and party in.  Compared to my youngest brother’s off-campus housing, we had a quality place.  His place had a front and back, where the back was condemned and falling over, the paint was peeling off the front the size of bed sheets and the drop ceiling in the kitchen had long ago lost its tiles. 

I think that as a parent, we always will want to protect our offspring.  However, just as we learn that every opportunity is a chance to learn and grow, sometimes failure is a part of that personal development process.  We have given Gab and Bec the tools with which to make thoughtful decisions and we will always be there be help, support, cheer on and provide that shoulder or a hug when needed.  Bec has a reason to be happy – it might be just a new bed, but here’s to the symbol of moving into adulthood and all of the wonderful things ahead!

Monday, July 31, 2017

Enjoying Our Backyard

Courtesy of Steve Kornblit, Kornblit Tours

“Your diamonds are not in far distant mountains or in yonder seas; they are in your own backyard, if you but dig for them.” ~ Russell H. Conwell, Acres of Diamonds

“I do not understand what people see in New York City,” one of our girls commented when they were younger.  Debbie and I were surprised…here we were, living nearby, arguably, the GREATEST city in the world and our daughter just blew off the Big Apple!  Did they not see that we were walking amidst the buildings that made up one of the most famous skylines?  How about the food choices?  The stores?  The different attractions, Broadway, or the other world famous sites?  With a simple wave of the hand, the BIG apple came off, to them, as a rotted CRAB apple.

That comment, however, did not deter us from going with the girls to Manhattan.  OK, I now realize that they were young and did not see things the way Debbie and I did.  I think that at that point, the one time they thought the city was great, Debbie and I went to see a movie in the midtown and the girls spent the afternoon with their aunt, uncle and cousin, Ruby, playing in a park.  Growing up, we did not go to the city often.  We know people that do not venture out that short distance to enjoy what the city has to offer.  Once, when deciding a place to eat with some friends, we proposed a few places we like to eat.  When they found it was more than 10 minutes away or greater than two towns away, they labeled it as too far.  The truth is that many people do not know what we have “in our backyards.”

I was recently having a conversation with a friend visiting from Las Vegas.  Being the summertime, our conversation naturally turned to talking about upcoming vacations and travel.  When I said that we had an opportunity to go on a car trip through a few states, a chance to see some of our country, he commented that he has not left the United States in many years and is still enjoying the many places to see within our own country.  This friend also likes the outdoors, hikes and mountain climbs – so his view of the country will be from a different perspective.  He was correct, we sometimes look to travel to far away, exotic places, as opposed to looking at the places that we have not yet visited in our own country.  Out of our 50 states, I have been in 28 states.  Some cases have been for work, others just for passing through.  Even so, if I wanted to say that I have been to all of our states, I cannot and have a long way to go. 

Last week, we did a walking tour of Greenwich Village given by Kornblit Tours.  The four of us had an opportunity to see parts of Manhattan we had never seen before – quiet little neighborhoods a few yards away from the busy streets.  The four of us went and really enjoyed the city.  It is many years later, Gab has since gone into the city either with friends to walk around or see a show and Bec has given a tour around the city (including walking across the Brooklyn Bridge) as part of her internship.  The city they once poo-pooed, they now appreciated.  I think that sometimes, we forget what we have in our own backyard.  And, of course, it is great to be able to experience it as a family!

Monday, July 24, 2017

Riding the Roller Coaster of Life

One of my earliest recollections of going to an amusement park was as a camper at Camp Echo Lark.  Each summer, we would venture out from Poyntelle, Pa to Ghost Town Amusement Park in Moosic, Pa.  There was one ride that I used to go on over and over again – the roller coaster.  It is still one of my favorite amusement park rides:

  • The tick, tick, tick sound as you slowly climb the first hill with the anticipation of reaching the crest,
  • The sudden thrill of the first drop where you feel like you could lift off the seat and into the air,
  • The quick change of direction as you round the first bend, and,
  • The “I cannot believe we are finished” feeling when you pull back into the station. 

Today, there are more varieties than that rickety old wooden one – the quick start, the loops, and the corkscrews.  You no longer have to sit in a “car”, but can have your feet dangle or be in a position like you are flying.  However, it is still the same – you still have the speed at which you move, the ups and downs of the hills and you still end up back where you started!

There comes a time where we need to start moving on, whether it is “picking up the pieces”, focusing on the next goal or some further horizon.  While mass media would have us believe that all good things come to those that wait, the truth is, we need to put ourselves out there, gather the right skills and maintain an open eye so that when opportunity crosses our path, we can take it. We can step out of the stream of our ongoing life to catch our breath, recharge our batteries or reevaluate our lives; but inevitably, we have to be a part of the larger world to engage in life.

Some thought leaders say that we are a reflection of the last five people that week hung out with or that the last few books that we read impact our choices.  It makes sense, as these are the latest things that we have in our minds, the last bits of stimulation and the newest points that we want to emulate.  Basically, we tend to reflect the environment we have surrounded ourselves in.  The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster and it would be easy to sit in a dark room, hang my head and ponder (question?) the meaning of life.  Fortunately, I do not have time for this.  Aside from supporting family, I have to think about Bec moving off campus next year, continue to quietly provide encouragement in Gab’s search for a job and spend time with Debbie.  Not to sound like my life is a cliché, but we have things to do, places to go and people to see.  In light of these things, the small amount of time to sit in the corner and reflect, while important and healthy, cannot be the sum total of all of my future actions. 

I know that life is not some thrill ride, yet there are many thrills as we ride through life.  Almost all aspects of life have high points and low points.  Sometimes the peaks are very high and sometimes the valleys are very low.  Life is full of many different things: full of successes and failures; full of happiness and sadness; full of positive experience and negative experiences; full of good times and bad times; life and death.  And, because of the valleys in our lives, we get to appreciate the peaks that much more.  Like the roller coaster, there are times where we seem to end up back where we started.  I, for one, like back in Ghost Town, am ready to stay on that `coaster for the next go around, looking forward towards that first hill, and enjoying the thrill of the ride for as long as I am here.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Caregiver

When we marry, part of what the person officiating says is to the couple getting married, as part of the vows, is that this is “…in sickness or in health…”  These are important words to commit to the person we marry out of love and care.  We heard this a few weeks ago when Monica got married.  We heard this 25.5 years ago when Debbie and I got married.  We heard this 11.5 years ago when Jeff and Magda got married.

The picture above is of my brother, Jeff, who we are very proud of.  Jeff belongs to the small, and sometimes overlooked, category of people called caregivers.  My first introduction to this group of special people came when we used to walk in the Relay for Life.  A caregiver is a family member who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person.  The program spent time talking about the caregivers, had a caregiver speech and a dedicated lap for them to walk.  Today, I want to take some time on one special caregiver – my brother, Jeff.

Last week, I wrote about the loss of my sister-in-law, Magda.  During most of her battle with cancer, Jeff did what any caring, loving husband would do.  He searched out the best doctors to provide the best care for his wife.  Whether the doctor was local, in New York City, or even in Houston, they went to provide the best chances for extending Magda’s life.  Last May, while visiting my dying aunt (also of cancer) in Florida, Magda lost her balance and fell.  Unfortunately, this was a sign that the cancer she had been fighting had begun to affect her lower body, and after that, Magda no longer walked.

When married and the times are good, it is easy to live by the wedding vow “…in health…”, however, the true mettle of the relationship is tested at times when “…in sickness…” is unfortunately added the couple.

Jeff immediately learned how to move and, at times, carry Magda.  You see, years ago, in one of her surgeries, Magda had ribs removed.  While this resolved the crises at that point, she was left with constant pain.  Moving her, Jeff always had to consider how to place his arms.  My brother still needed to work, so for the month of July and August, he had daytime help – Gab (proud of her for helping).  As the summer ended, and the need to still work, Bec (proud of her) helped find and hire an aide.  Even though Jeff was the around the clock caregiver, he still needed to work and run errands.  Last year, Magda wanted to do a girls trip to Aruba.  Debbie (proud of her), was the caregiver on the trip. 

The sad thing about cancer is that, unless you are in remission, you continue to deteriorate over time.  This meant that Jeff had to take on more roles.  Laying in the same position, whether a bed, a chair or a couch, can lead to sores.  Jeff had to become the nurse.  Over the last six months, I cannot begin to list out the different things that Jeff learned in caring for Magda.  It had reached the point where no family member could help for more than a few hours.  For Jeff to go on an errand, play hockey, have band practice, etc., someone had to be with Magda.  Jeff went above and beyond what most people would do for a spouse.  Caregiver, aide, and nurse – due to the level of care provided, he learned to survive with little sleep.  When we had band practice, there was the walkie-talkie on the music stand and the running up between songs to check on Magda.  Towards the end, Debbie, or other friends would sit with Magda so that Jeff could play, as this was much needed down time for him.

When asked about bringing in more help, Jeff responded, “I want to spend as much time together as we can.” That is devotion; that is the commitment one makes in the wedding vows when they say “…in sickness or in health…”  Jeff tended and cared for Magda right up to the end.

As a family, we are all pulling together to care for the caregiver that gave so much of himself, in a truly selfless manner.  We still need Jeff in our lives.  I do not yet know if there is a cure for a broken heart, a salve to ease the pain of loss, or an ointment to make happy memories not bring on tears.  What I do know, is that like the way Magda leaned on Jeff, it is now time for Jeff to lean on us.  We are proud for the example that he provided and we will be there for him while he goes through the tough road ahead.